Maso, Whip, Mason....now I feel intimidated   
All you guys are awsome. What did I get myself into?

...glad this isn't a competition or I'd concede right now...

Im with you Shovel...yikes!

Xythe,

I'm so glad you got something up. Thanks for being here.

simply died in her arms for a long moment

I really like this line; beautiful and touching. And I also like the little twist at the end. Well done.

now I feel intimidated

Hey, so do I, believe me. Some of the writers here are really very good. I just hope others aren't joining in for this reason, is all. We will all get better with each other's help.

Thanks for being here.

Your welcome. My pleasure.

I really like this line; beautiful and touching. And I also like the little twist at the end. Well done.

*big sigh of relief* Thanks Maso, I feel more easy now

Hey, so do I, believe me. Some of the writers here are really very good. I just hope others aren't joining in for this reason, is all.

I don't think thats it. Im betting some of them are just polishing off something brilliant.

Sometimes you just gotta put yourself out there. Its not like some crazed blogger will shoot you in the head 6 times or anything.

polishing off something brilliant

I hope so. I have enjoyed seeing the different ways people are inspired. I'm looking forward to reading more.

shoot you in the head six times

My skull aint that thick

Very good Xythe.

Just adding encouragement here. Keep up the good work and hope for more great writes, guys!

I'm short of time and terrible at these sort of things, so I'll be hanging back. Will be dropping in an insightful or interesting to those I see taking part in this.

Here's my contribution.

http://lifehappens.joeuser.com/index.asp?AID=135985

Ok Dyno...here it goes...you can take what I write or leave it...I won't be offended. I bolded things I noticed.

The town was one of those blink-and-you-will-miss-it places. It barely rated a mention on any maps. At one time in its past though, it had been a hustle-bustle mini-city[/B], a trading route for cattle and cane and a overnight stop for dry-mouthed travellers going to and from the big cities. Now, it was a maligned, ignored place. It was desperately hot, dry and dusty [/B]in summer and frigidly cold, dry and dusty in winter.

Great paragraph..just a few things...passive voice, maybe try..it was a hustle bustle mini-city.

You use "dry and dusty" twice in one sentence. Repetitive phrases can be used as a style of emphasis in writing, but I don't think this is what you're after here.

The few shops still open survived due only to stubbornness and tenacity. [B]The few open doors weren’t beckoning or inviting. [B]The few open doors looked more like dark maws of hungry beasts from other realms.

In my humble opinion, these sentences can be combined to make a really direct clear statement. It gets a bit muddled with all the "few" and needs cleaned up...sharpened if you will.

For example, maybe something along the lines of....."A few uninviting, stubborn and tenacious shops, with doors like dark maws of hungry beasts, managed to survive."

I think most writers have a habit of repeating themselves a couple times in a paragraph or stating the obvious..obvious meaning conclusions the reader should be able to glean from your sentence. Unless it is an intentional writing tool it can get dull. For example...

You write...

The few open doors weren’t beckoning or inviting. The few open doors looked more like dark maws of hungry beasts from other realms.

I don't think you need the first sentence at all. If the doors look like hungry beasts OF COURSE they aren't beckoning (unless your character wants to be eaten)...does that make sense to you? The reader can glean that from your description...the use of the word "uninviting" is good because it makes it clear your travelers aren't feeling welcome and then your description of the maw explains why. Very neat.

(Of course this is subjective and you can take it or leave it. Heh.)

That is all I have time for at the moment...will get to the rest later today.

Okay, cats, my submission is split into two parts, a poem and a short story . . .

Here's the poem: In preamble form

I'll get the story up shortly, and plop the URL in here, too.

Okay, cats, I've got the story up, and its beautiful, frightening face can be found here, in text message form.

You know me, gotta have my funs.

If one was to stop, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing one would notice would be the smell. The town smelt of decay. A quick wander past the shop windows, maybe with hopes of finding a bargain treasure, one would see the dead flies piled up against the inside of the shop windows, the dust-thick remnants of a once-standing mannequin and little else.

The first sentence uses passive voice..."was to stop"  should be "stopped" and all the "woulds" dull the shine.  The second sentence repeats the first.  I think you can combine the two for more impact.  Something like...."If one stopped, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing noticed is the smell of decay."

(Of course I think this is a perfect opportunity to take the reader where you are in your head when discussing the smell.  Perhaps saying something like....the first thing noticed is the putrid smell of decay..... or whatever descriptives you have in mind.)

Again the next sentence is very wordy.  Fewer words have greater impact.  I often write something, then go back and take out every single thing that won't change the meaning, or the picture.  It really does sharpen it.

For example,

"A quick wander past the shop windows, maybe with hopes of finding a bargain treasure, one would see the dead flies piled up against the inside of the shop windows, the dust-thick remnants of a once-standing mannequin and little else."

Taking out unnecessary words and passive voice............

"Those hoping to find a bargain, or unclaimed treasure, are greeted by dead flies piled up against shop windows and remnants of once standing dust-thick mannequins."

So the paragraph would be something along these lines......

If one stopped, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing noticed is the putrid smell of decay.  Those hoping to find a bargain, or unclaimed treasure, are greeted by dead flies piled up against shop windows and remnants of once standing dust-thick mannequins.

I hope this helps.  I know what you mean about being too close to a piece to notice things you easily notice with others.

A very wise print editor once told me... "Write it all down as you think of it.  Then go back and combine repetitive sentences, get rid of passive voice, and take out any words that are not absolutely essential to the point.  Then you will have a decent start."

If one was to stop, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing one would notice would be the smell. The town smelt of decay. A quick wander past the shop windows, maybe with hopes of finding a bargain treasure, one would see the dead flies piled up against the inside of the shop windows, the dust-thick remnants of a once-standing mannequin and little else.

The first sentence uses passive voice..."was to stop" should be "stopped" and all the "woulds" dull the shine. The second sentence repeats the first. I think you can combine the two for more impact. Something like...."If one stopped, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing noticed is the smell of decay."

(Of course I think this is a perfect opportunity to take the reader where you are in your head when discussing the smell. Perhaps saying something like....the first thing noticed is the putrid smell of decay.[/B].... or whatever descriptives you have in mind.)

Again the next sentence is very wordy. Fewer words have greater impact. I often write something, then go back and take out every single thing that won't change the meaning, or the picture. It really does sharpen it.

For example,

"A quick wander past the shop windows, maybe with hopes of finding a bargain treasure, one would see the dead flies piled up against the inside of the shop windows, the dust-thick remnants of a once-standing mannequin and little else."

Taking out unnecessary words and passive voice............

"Those hoping to find a bargain, or unclaimed treasure, are greeted by dead flies piled up against shop windows and remnants of once standing dust-thick mannequins."

So the paragraph would be something along these lines......

[B]If one stopped, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing noticed is the putrid smell of decay. Those hoping to find a bargain, or unclaimed treasure, are greeted by dead flies piled up against shop windows and remnants of once standing dust-thick mannequins.

I hope this helps. I know what you mean about being too close to a piece to notice things you easily notice with others.

A very wise print editor once told me... "Write it all down as you think of it. Then go back and combine repetitive sentences, get rid of passive voice, and take out any words that are not absolutely essential to the point. Then you will have a decent start."

If one was to stop, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing one would notice would be the smell. The town smelt of decay. A quick wander past the shop windows, maybe with hopes of finding a bargain treasure, one would see the dead flies piled up against the inside of the shop windows, the dust-thick remnants of a once-standing mannequin and little else.

The first sentence uses passive voice..."was to stop" should be "stopped" and all the "woulds" dull the shine. The second sentence repeats the first. I think you can combine the two for more impact. Something like...."If one stopped, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing noticed is the smell of decay."

(Of course I think this is a perfect opportunity to take the reader where you are in your head when discussing the smell. Perhaps saying something like....the first thing noticed is the putrid smell of decay.[/B].... or whatever descriptives you have in mind.)

Again the next sentence is very wordy. Fewer words have greater impact. I often write something, then go back and take out every single thing that won't change the meaning, or the picture. It really does sharpen it.

For example,

"A quick wander past the shop windows, maybe with hopes of finding a bargain treasure, one would see the dead flies piled up against the inside of the shop windows, the dust-thick remnants of a once-standing mannequin and little else."

Taking out unnecessary words and passive voice............

"Those hoping to find a bargain, or unclaimed treasure, are greeted by dead flies piled up against shop windows and remnants of once standing dust-thick mannequins."

So the paragraph would be something along these lines......

[B]If one stopped, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing noticed is the putrid smell of decay. Those hoping to find a bargain, or unclaimed treasure, are greeted by dead flies piled up against shop windows and remnants of once standing dust-thick mannequins.

I hope this helps. I know what you mean about being too close to a piece to notice things you easily notice with others.

A very wise print editor once told me... "Write it all down as you think of it. Then go back and combine repetitive sentences, get rid of passive voice, and take out any words that are not absolutely essential to the point. Then you will have a decent start."

If one was to stop, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing one would notice would be the smell. The town smelt of decay. A quick wander past the shop windows, maybe with hopes of finding a bargain treasure, one would see the dead flies piled up against the inside of the shop windows, the dust-thick remnants of a once-standing mannequin and little else.

The first sentence uses passive voice..."was to stop" should be "stopped" and all the "woulds" dull the shine. The second sentence repeats the first. I think you can combine the two for more impact. Something like...."If one stopped, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing noticed is the smell of decay."

(Of course I think this is a perfect opportunity to take the reader where you are in your head when discussing the smell. Perhaps saying something like....the first thing noticed is the putrid smell of decay.[/B].... or whatever descriptives you have in mind.)

Again the next sentence is very wordy. Fewer words have greater impact. I often write something, then go back and take out every single thing that won't change the meaning, or the picture. It really does sharpen it.

For example,

"A quick wander past the shop windows, maybe with hopes of finding a bargain treasure, one would see the dead flies piled up against the inside of the shop windows, the dust-thick remnants of a once-standing mannequin and little else."

Taking out unnecessary words and passive voice............

"Those hoping to find a bargain, or unclaimed treasure, are greeted by dead flies piled up against shop windows and remnants of once standing dust-thick mannequins."

So the paragraph would be something along these lines......

[B]If one stopped, perhaps mistaking abandonment for quaintness, the first thing noticed is the putrid smell of decay. Those hoping to find a bargain, or unclaimed treasure, are greeted by dead flies piled up against shop windows and remnants of once standing dust-thick mannequins.

I hope this helps. I know what you mean about being too close to a piece to notice things you easily notice with others.

A very wise print editor once told me... "Write it all down as you think of it. Then go back and combine repetitive sentences, get rid of passive voice, and take out any words that are not absolutely essential to the point. Then you will have a decent start."

Tova,

I really appreciate you having a look and offering the advice you have. I see what you mean and agree getting rid of the passive voice would make all the difference. I also take your point about repetition for effect and stating the obvious. Thanks very much for taking the time to go over my piece. This is exactly the sort of feedback I was hoping would be generated by the Writers Club.

San Chonino,

I'm on my way over...