A response to Texas Wahine...
THE FEMALE SCALE
DISCLAIMER: The following survey is not intended to be taken seriously by anyone. It is intended as a humourous piece, even though it is in the Miscellaneous Thread
As most women have said at one time in their lives, all men are bastards. Hell, even our mothers think we’re bastards, and they should know. Men don’t just become bastards overnight, though. There is a certain amount of conditioning they undergo before becoming bastards. Most of this conditioning is done without the man even knowing it. Before he realises it, he is being scrutineered, berated and reminded of every horrid thing he has said or done since he poked his head out, opened his eyes and screamed his first lungful of air.
But men have had it hard for too long (no pun intended). We have a thankless job, keeping our women happy. And all we ask for, really, is the occasional blowjob and, you know, even that request is often ignored.
With this in mind, I’ve come up with a response quiz to Texas Wahine’s ‘Male Scale’. This test was devised after a particularly late night at a local pub, a drunken stagger across the road to a kebab shop, two greasy kebabs, another drunken stagger to a local nightclub, an argument with the doorman, much swearing at cab drivers who wouldn’t stop, a trip headfirst into a flower bed and a spew behind the garbage bins outside the block of flats next door. I claim no responsibility for the urine smell on the front steps or for the obvious degenerate tone of some of the following questions.
1. Can you pee standing up?
If yes, +10
If no, -10
Never tried 0
If you can not only pee standing up, but not use any hands, have a bonus +20
2. On a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the greatest, how much shelf space do you have in the vanity cabinet of your bathroom?
If you said you share it equally, have +20. If you said 1 or 2, score +10, if you said 3, score +5, if you said 4 or 5, score 0. If you said the vanity cabinet is your territory alone, take 5 points off your total.
3. Do you use ‘I don’t mind/care’ as an answer to a question?
If yes, -10
If no, +10
3. You are running late for a social event. Your significant other is in the car waiting for you. After waiting for 15 minutes, he lightly toots the horn, once, to remind you he is waiting. When you eventually make it to the car, do you tear him a new hole for being so impatient?
If Yes, -10
If No, +10
If you apologise for making him wait, give yourself a big +20
4. You and he are out walking. A cute young thing walks towards you. Do you:
a. Latch on to his arm and glare at the girl until she passes? –10 points
b. Stare at your man to see if he is looking at her? –5
c. Not even notice her? +5
d. Check her out yourself? +10
e. Point her out to him? +20
5. Do you understand the offside rule in any football code?
If Yes, +10
If No, -5
If you not only understand, but can explain it so your friends do as well, then have +20 points.
6. You come home late from work. He is sitting in front of the television, intently watching either a sporting event or a documentary on anything vaguely male-orientated. He has his feet up on the coffee table, an empty pizza box and a number of empty bottles on the floor. Do you:
a. Run from the room crying about how you refuse to be his mother anymore? –10
b. Make gagging noises while pointing at his feet? –5
c. Give him one of ‘those’ looks and walk from the room 0
d. Head to the kitchen, come back with two beers, sit down next to him and ask what he’s watching? +5
e. You don’t care because you’ve got a pizza and a six-pack for yourself on the way home +10
7. Do you know… (score 3 points for each correct answer)
a. What a dipstick is?
b. What a sparkplug is?
c. How to change the oil in your car?
d. How often to change the oil in your car?
e. What a fuse is?
f. How to change a fuse?
g. How to change transmission fluid in your car?
h. How to start the lawn mower?
8. A tiny spider crawls onto the kitchen window sill. Do you:
a. Run screaming from the room, claiming a monster radioactive spider tried to attack you as you washed the dishes? - 10
b. Spray half a tin of insect repellent on the poor thing, then use the BBQ tongs to pick it up and put it in the garbage? –5
c. Flick out back outside and carry on with getting dinner ready? +10
9. Have you ever said ‘There is nothing wrong’ and actually meant there IS something wrong?
a. Yes –10
b. No +10
c. Yes, I mean no, I mean… can’t you see what I mean! 0
10. Have you ever asked ‘What are you thinking about?’
a. Yes -10
b. No +10
c. I may have but I didn’t get a straight answer anyway –5
d. I know better than to ask this question +5
Bonus points if you accepted his answer of ‘Nothing’ without question. +20
120 plus – You are every man’s dream come true… Nearly. Unless of course your father owns a brewery and doesn’t believe any children (or their spouses) should ever have to work, then you're the most babelicious woman on the face of Earth. Either this or you lied through your pretty, white teeth, didn't you?
60 to 120 – Not bad at all. You may not know what a sparkplug is and you may be scared of spiders, but you are good fun to be with and you don’t complain about alien smells.
0 to 60 – You need to start reading Cosmo, Cleo or other women's magazines more and take notice of the articles entitled something along the lines of ‘How To Please Your Man’. And please, do something about the hair on your top lip.
If you scored in the negative, then you probably shouldn’t have started doing this survey in the first place because you are quite obviously a hermaphrodite.