I read an article in college once, it suggested that a man who goes through a mid life crisis, is prone to crisis earlier in life.  And men who tend to handle things and maintain steady non drama like lives, are less apt to go through it.

I think its an industrialized phenomena.  I don't think men in 3rd world countries have the luxury of a mid life crisis.

Believe it or not, I tend to take an almost opposite approach to the dream than you do.  My dreams have changed as I grow.  If I chased every dream I would never get anywhere.  heh.  But mostly I think we are different because I have children and you don't.

When I chose to have children, my dreams began to center around them, while my more self centered dreams were put on the back burner.

I don't feel jipped.  And I doubt most of the people at your wife's parties feel jipped either.  In fact, some of them may feel like you do, about you.  They may think you are really missing out in the full life experience by not having children.  (I don't necessarily agree with this, but I do know some people feel this way.)

When I go to reunions and see people still chasing something at 40 that they were at 18, well, I tend to think...wow, if it hasn't happened by now, it ain't gonna.  Move on.  Grow up and get some adult, and more to the point, achievable goals.

Now I am not saying that to you in anyway.  I say this because my dad chased a music career from about 14 to almost 55.  He chased it hard, forsaking family, forsaking all else in the pursuit of this career.  He did keep a job, always, but resented it a bit because it took time away from his dream.

There is nothing worse, to me, than seeing some old guy up on a stage trying to be young and sound hip, trying to be something in his 40's that woulda fit better in his 20's.  (I admit I am VERY biased about this though.)

To me, someone shoulda told my dad to grow the hell up, instead of encouraging him to chase this thing that never materialized into anything substantial (and secretly laughing behind his back).  Worse, now in his old age, he has NOTHING.  Not even the cold comfort of "I told ya so's" because he was so busy chasing his dream he never built any real relationships.  Not any honest ones.

So yeah, I am a little bit reserved when it comes to telling people to follow their dreams.  When other people, like children and wives, have to pay the price for a dream that isn't theirs...well, then its the height of selfishness.

 

Hey Tova,

Thanks for your response.

men who tend to handle things and maintain steady non drama like lives, are less apt to go through it.

Nice observation. I think it might work for some men, but not for all. Most men, as you probably know, have a tendency to bottle up their feelings anyway, so outward appearances might be steady but inside, these guys are going absolutely crazy.

My dreams have changed as I grow. If I chased every dream I would never get anywhere. heh. But mostly I think we are different because I have children and you don't.

My dreams have definitely changed as I've gotten older. The big realisation for me was understanding I was creating music not to make a living but because I enjoyed it so much. Oh sure, I think it would be nice for someone to throw a heap of money at me so I could just spend my days writing music but this aint going to happen, particularly for someone at my age. Music is a young person's industry and while I don't necessarily agree with it, I completely understand this. These days, my dreams still hinge on being creative, but there is very little of the world domination factor to them.

I doubt most of the people at your wife's parties feel jipped either

I'm sure everyone at the reunion are happy with where they're at in their lives. In fact, for the most part, I have no doubt. But I could still sense an underlying envy. Maybe it is simply because we don't have children and therefore have the ability to be more spontaneous in our day to day lives. Maybe mind-numbing routhine is to blame for mid-life crisis'.

I say this because my dad chased a music career from about 14 to almost 55. He chased it hard, forsaking family, forsaking all else in the pursuit of this career. He did keep a job, always, but resented it a bit because it took time away from his dream.

I'm sure you appreciate there are a world of differences between your father and I. To start with, I don't resent my job. In fact, for the most part, I really enjoy my job (I've just completed ten years here). I intend to keep this job until I'm ready to retire. I KNOW music won't support me, even if we do gain some degree of 'fame' (whatever that is). Australia just doesn't have the population to support too many musicians. I understand and accept this. Unlike your father, who sounds to me like he was letting his dreams completely run his life, I'm realistic about it all. I'm lucky in that Toni completely supports my endeavours. It makes it so much easier.

Thanks again for your response. You've given me a lot more to think about.

Yeah that is true. But I think most men learn how to blow steam off productively...if they don't, then they are gonna have a crisis long before middle age. Coping skills are wonderful things.



That is exactly the reason I even check out your stuff. You seem to have a sincere passion and enjoyment for music..and certainly are a hand at great lyrics. That translates into quality imo.



hahahaha. Yeah you are probably right about that. Once in awhile I day dream about life without kids...but not for long. They really gave a flavor, a new level if you will, to living.



Absolutely. Besides music you all have nothing in common. I didn't mean to make the article a therapy session about my dad. Sorry bout that.

I respect your decision to pursue your passion. And it sounds like Toni really supports it.

You are very fortunate...but then you knew that already didn't ya?

Sorry again for stretching out on your couch and telling you my past problems....the checks in the mail!

  

Tova,

Coping skills are even more so necessary these days than ever before (when I say this, of course I'm referring to men in the western world). Its not like we can take a rifle and go hunting (which I'm sure would be a great way to relieve stress). Music, for me, is very much a meditative thing. While I enjoy playing with and for others, I also enjoy playing purely for myself.

You seem to have a sincere passion and enjoyment for music..and certainly are a hand at great lyrics. That translates into quality imo.

Wow, thank you very much. I think the poetry I've been writing has been more due to the fact that I'm not writing lyrics these days (except for the occasional hook) and I really do need to get these thoughts out.

They really gave a flavor, a new level if you will, to living.

I'm sure they do. We have plenty of children in our lives (having a dozen nephews and nieces plus friends with children as well). I enjoy spending time with kids. Still, I know Toni and I have made the right decision for us.

I didn't mean to make the article a therapy session about my dad. Sorry bout that.

Hey, I don't mind at all. I really appreciate your comments about this. You are giving me a perspective I might not have gained otherwise. Thanks...

You are very fortunate...but then you knew that already didn't ya?

Yes I am fully aware of it. I am fortunate to have a wonderful lady like Toni in my life but also fortunate to have friends such as you too. I try to be thankful for it every day. Some days it can be a bit hard, but mostly it is a breeze.

Nice article Mark! I understand where you're coming from with your views. I sometimes wonder to myself, if I had gone another route, where would I be right now? It only comes up when I'm feeling sorry for myself though. Because what tends to follow is beating up me. I'm learning to quit doing that. I do like what I'm doing now, my job, the postion I'm in may not be lofty, but I do really enjoy doing it and that makes a big difference!

I can relate to what Tova said when she had children her dreams revolved around them, I feel the same about mine too. Somehow, you naturally do that. The times when I do feel like a failure though or the times when I look at them and feel proud that I helped to create them and that what I do affects their lives. In that way my dreams still live on!

There are many of us who get to 'the ripe old age of 40 something" (...hey, we're not old!) and go into a panic because it seems as if we haven't done what we planned on doing, the years have gone by and you seemingly have nothing! Of course it's all in our heads because what have we been doing all this time? Taking care of our families! Nurturing our partners, our siblings, being there for our friends. Still pursuing our interests and hobbies...so what if we didn't become the actress, or singers or scientist we dreamt about as children? We have to embrace it and continue on with our lives.

I admire you alot because you are living your dreams in a sense. You are doing what you love not for the glory or the money, but because it's what you truly love to do! There's nothing better than that!

Donna,

Thanks for your comments. In essence and despite our so-called differences, I think everybody in the world wants the same thing and that is to be happy. I know people who come to our age and still haven't achieved happiness. Maybe this is the root cause of mid-life crisis'. It is not hard to believe those who have achieved a lot of material success could still claim to be unhappy.



I'm sure this is the case too but I'll never know it.



You know, this is a really nice way to look at it. I had a taxi driver rail at me about the fact I wasn't planning on having children. He was 32 with 4 kids and was working as a driver part-time to supplement his income. I asked him how much time he spent with his kids. He said he didn't see them a great deal. When I asked if he thought they would benefit from having both a mother and father, he got a little hot under the colour. I explained to him I am an all or nothing person and there was no way I was going to do anything significant in my life in a half-arsed way. I don't know if he completely understood but at least he stopped talking to me



Thanks... I admire anyone who is happy doing what they're doing. I don't think there is anything better in the world than seeing someone happy with their life. As you say, there is nothing better.

I asked him how much time he spent with his kids. He said he didn't see them a great deal. When I asked if he thought they would benefit from having both a mother and father, he got a little hot under the colour. I explained to him I am an all or nothing person and there was no way I was going to do anything significant in my life in a half-arsed way

This is a problem for most people. They work to provide for their kids and they don't get to spend much time with them. At one time I used to work a lot, travel time to and from was another three to four hours roundtrip, I get home late, etc. I hated it. I decided it was time to make time for the ones who I'm actually doing it all for. It gets rough at times, but the treasure of it is, I'm able to walk my daughter to school, take time off if needed, be there in an instant any time, they need me. That means more to me than making all the money in the world. Of course money helps, but not being there when they need me, that would hurt more.

I don't think there is anything better in the world than seeing someone happy with their life. As you say, there is nothing better.

Amen to that!

Money isn't going to be able to buy back the time you don't have with your children but I guess you know this. Good for you...